So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged or written about anything. I guess sometimes it’s just hard to find the right words to express your exact mood or exactly how you feel about something or someone. This is totes a “Dear diary” moment lol but lately I’ve found myself feeling so inspired to give without any explanation why. It’s bizarre. I’ve experienced so much hurt recently but still my heart feels big enough to give and enhance the life of another. I want to do good things for people, even for people I feel don’t particularly like me. And it confuses me. Why should I, well why would I want to dedicate so much of my time being good to everyone when half of those people would not do the same for me? It’s incomprehensible and completely beyond me. But nonetheless I still find myself doing it. I find myself loving and caring about people I barely know. I find myself wanting to make people happy. I find myself wanting to make someone smile and brighten their day with a compliment and give someone a reason to feel relevant. Why? Could it be that I lack a sense of belonging and relevance? Or do I just have a desperate desire to be approved of by others? I honestly don’t have a clue. But what I do know is people take the piss and fully take advantage of people like me who are willing to do deeds as such. Maybe what I’m failing to realise is my heart has already grasped the whole “don’t give to receive” concept. The other day I read an article about this guy who spoke about how “marriage is not for you” but is instead a selfless act for your partner and I guess he was right and the same goes for love. We don’t always have to give to receive, I mean we can always hope to be loved in return but maybe the beauty of love itself is simply being able to be open enough to give yourself to another person expecting nothing in return. It’s like Drake’s song says “I love me enough for the both of us” which is exactly what people need sometimes – a crutch, enough love to support them both. Trouble is I find myself giving so much and merely hoping for at least mutual respect in return but receiving nothing but disappointment. Could it be I’m making the wrong choices? Perhaps. But how can you know until you’ve spent enough time to find out? Or maybe I’m closed off to myself and I don’t even know it. It seems I’m always ready to please the world and not allow anyone to do the same for me. A kind soul said to me “smile, love and allow yourself to be loved.” which is probably what I’m finding the hardest. Another Drake quote “you give but you can not take love” (yes people I love Drake get over it! lol), I remember when I first heard that line in the song and it dawned on me that my problem has never been giving, it’s knowing how to accept and receive. It’s difficult to comprehend a situation where a person knows how and wants to give love and joy and support to another but has no ability to accept it in return. But how do you stop yourself from effing it all up and pushing people away when you’re not even conscious of doing it?! Sounds confusing, probably because I’ve failed to go into much detail…. Anyway some things are just better left unsaid.
I’m transitioning again. Two years ago I went through a change similar to this and grew into a different person. A stronger me. A wiser me. And I became complacent as the new me, ignorantly forgetting that we never stop growing and changing as individuals. Being away from my friends and family like this is truly a testing experience and it becomes even harder when you’re surrounded by nothing but foreign faces. I’ve been so afraid to admit to myself and others that this is the most alone I have ever felt so far in my life. I’ve been running from this truth because it’s a harsh reality to face I guess. And then there’s the fear of letting people down and only wanting people to think I’m having the “time of my life” when in actual fact I feel stuck. And this is what I mean by transitioning, I’m moving towards a change. The change hasn’t occurred just yet. I know that London isn’t where I need to be right now, I am exactly where I should be at this present moment in my life so that I can excel as a person and build an even stronger and even wiser character but I haven’t yet mastered this experience either. I’m between the two – excelling past my four wall single London bedroom and trying to keep up with this new challenging international life, which includes maintaining a household and myself all on my own. Thank God for Skype! Otherwise I’d feel completely institutionalised! Sometimes it’s hard to talk to friends and family back home though because everyone is so inthralled by uni work and their own lives I guess so the last thing I want to be is a burden. Talking to parents should always be easy though right?… Wrong. Who wants to disappoint their parents by being a complete dark cloud about (what is supposed to be) such an amazing experience all the time. So here I am writing it all (well at least some thoughts) on my blog. Tbh I do have my insecurities and fears of what people will think reading this (if anyone even bothers to read this far lol) but who cares! I’m writing this for me just because sometimes it can be therapeutic to just put all your thoughts and ideas down on paper and express any hurt and pain or joy and elation. I’ve held in this ‘doom and gloom’ for too long now and it’s starting to weigh on my character and state of mind which I can’t accept for myself. So here I am with my most honest words writing to myself I guess and trying to rid myself of this “dark cloud”.
(Side Note): The work experience is going well though, I’m enjoying working with a really lovely team who I would consider the closest thing to family out here. Is that sad? I dunno, I think it’s kinda nice. We’re like one big dysfunctional family lol and I know I’m going to miss them all so much when I finally return home.